What is Grooming?

Child grooming is a calculated process. Predators manipulate and exploit children to gradually gain their trust. It’s often the precursor before child sexual abuse occurs. People who groom build close relationships with children or young people — and sometimes with families or caregivers as well — to minimize resistance to abuse.

The numbers are shocking. One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18. There are more than 60 million survivors of child abuse in the U.S. and nearly 80% never report the abuse.

The consequences can be devastating. Victims are:

• 3x more likely to suffer from depression.
• 4x more likely to contemplate suicide.
• 13x more likely to abuse alcohol
• 26x more likely to abuse drugs.
• 40x more likely to experience marital problems.

Unfortunately, child grooming often occurs slowly so it may feel natural to the child. It may be hidden for quite some time with grooming behaviors taking place online. According to the FBI, there are some 750,000 predators active online. Nearly 90% of cases include some form of online grooming. Children may have contact with an adult through school, camp, sports, or other organizations in person which then leads to online interactions.

Contacts often occur in gaming platforms and apps, social media, messaging apps, and live streaming platforms where children are online.

Who Grooms Children?

People who groom can be anyone. Often, they occupy a position of trust, such as a family member or relative, teacher, coach, or clergy. However, they can also be strangers.

Online, they may pretend to be the child’s age using fake accounts and sharing their interests to befriend them.

Why Do Perpetrators Groom Children?

Perpetrators exploit the perceived vulnerability of children, building trust to gain access to potential victims for nefarious purposes. This includes child sexual abuse and child trafficking. By establishing power and control over victims, offenders seek to normalize their behavior.

The Child Grooming Process

Predators often target children that have obvious vulnerabilities, such as:

• Unpopular children
• Low self-esteem or lack of confidence
• Spend time alone unsupervised
• Experiencing problems at home
• Isolated from peers
• Feel unloved

The child grooming process typically involves a series of interactions over time — sometimes more than a year — and tends to follow a similar pattern.

Targeting and Gaining Trust

People who groom often target vulnerable children, such as those with unstable home environments, low self-esteem, or a desire for attention and affection. They may observe and gather information about the child’s interests, routines, and relationships to better exploit their vulnerabilities.

The offender then works to build trust and emotional connection with the child, often by showering them with special attention. This creates a sense of loyalty and dependence, making the child less likely to question or report the offender’s future actions.

Some predators may develop relationships with the child’s parent or caregivers to make their interest appear natural.

Isolating the Child

As the sexual grooming progresses, the perpetrator will attempt to isolate the child from their family, friends, and other protective sources. This may involve discouraging or interfering with the child’s relationships, creating situations where they spend time alone with the offender, or convincing the child to keep their interactions a secret.

Isolation reinforces the child’s dependence on the offender and diminishes external support or oversight.

Desensitizing Process

People who groom gradually introduce sexual content and behavior to desensitize the child and normalize inappropriate acts.

This may start with seemingly innocent discussions about sexual topics, sexual activity, or exposing the child to pornographic material. Over time, the offender will escalate their actions, such as engaging in inappropriate touching or nudity, all while manipulating the child into believing that such behavior is acceptable or a sign of their “special” relationship.

Initiating Abuse

After breaking down the child’s defenses and desensitizing them to sexual content, the offender will initiate physical sexual abuse.

Maintaining Control

The sexual predator will often use tactics like guilt, threats, or the child’s affection for them to maintain control and ensure the abuse continues. They may also provide the child with gifts, privileges, or other incentives to secure their cooperation and silence.

Warning Signs of Grooming

With so much contact happening online, It can be challenging to detect if a child is being groomed, The grooming process may be hidden from view for quite some time. While you would likely be wary of a close relationship developing with an adult figure, people who groom often appear to be the same age online.

Warning signs to look for in children include:

• Changes in behavior: This could be withdrawal from friends, secretiveness, changes in mood, or a decline in schoolwork.
• New possessions: Unexplained gifts, especially if they come from someone you don’t know well.
• Lying or withholding information: Your child might become reluctant to share details about their day or activities.
• Changes in online habits: Being overly protective of their devices, spending excessive time online, or being withdrawn while using them.

Offenders try to create a special relationship with children. Certain types of behavior may also indicate red flags, such as:

• Excessive attention and gifts: Showering your child with gifts, compliments, or special treatment can be a way to build a trusting relationship and gain affection.
• Spending time with minors: Spending an inappropriate amount of time with children that goes beyond norms.
• Seeking isolation: The person might try to spend time alone with your child, discourage other adults from being around, or create opportunities for unsupervised access.
• Sharing secrets: They might share secrets with your child to make them feel special and create a sense of obligation to keep things hidden.
• Boundary issues: This could include inappropriate touching, even seemingly harmless like wrestling or tickling, or showing a lack of respect for your child’s privacy.
• Downplaying rules: They might encourage your child to break your rules or make them believe the rules don’t apply when they’re together.

If you notice any of these warning signs of potential grooming, they should be cause for concern.

The Impact of Grooming on Children

Grooming can have a wide range of effects that can stay with them for a lifetime. They may have trouble trusting adults or maintaining relationships. Other common impacts include:

• Anxiety and depression
• Post-traumatic stress
• Self-harm and suicidal thoughts
• Eating disorders
• Drug or alcohol problems
• Sexually-transmitted diseases
• Pregnancy
• Other mental health problems

Feelings of shame or guilt are common. Children who have been sexually abused may blame themselves for allowing it to happen.

Young people can also be impacted when no personal contact has occurred, which is why it is so important to intervene as soon as you recognize the potential warning signs.

Protecting Children from Grooming

As a society, we all have an obligation to protect children and prevent child abuse. Knowing the warning signs can help identify when grooming is occurring, but a proactive approach is necessary to reduce the likelihood of someone becoming a victim.

Some of the steps you can take to help protect children from becoming abuse victims include:

Talk About Secrets

It’s essential to have open conversations with your child about the difference between fun surprises and harmful secrets. Explain that responsible adults won’t ask them to keep secrets from their parents, and if someone does, they should tell you immediately.

Help them understand that while surprises like birthday parties are exciting to plan, secrets involve intentionally hiding information that should be shared.

Listen Attentively

Actively listening to your child demonstrates respect for their thoughts and feelings. Give them your full attention, make eye contact, and reflect back what you hear them say. Ask for clarification when needed.

Create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing without fear of judgment or punishment. When they know you won’t react negatively, they’re more likely to come to you with issues big and small.

Encourage Assertiveness

Teach your child to respectfully express their likes, dislikes, and ability to say no. As they learn self-advocacy, show that you respect their opinions and boundaries.  

Remind them it’s okay to refuse adults if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Assure them you’ll support their decisions to set limits without repercussions

Be Cautious of Potential Predators

Pay close attention to adults who seem overly charming, engage in excessive physical contact with children, or attempt to relate as a peer rather than an authority figure. These behaviors, while not definitive signs of ill intent, warrant vigilance. Trust your instincts if something seems amiss.

Teach About Consent

Explain that consent means explicitly giving permission for something to happen. Model asking for consent when showing affection, and respect their right to decline hugs or other touches. Discuss the importance of obtaining clear consent in romantic relationships before any physical intimacy occurs. Either partner can revoke consent at any time.

Show Up

Protecting your child involves being physically and emotionally present in their life. Attend their activities, when possible. More importantly, be available to listen, accept their feelings, and provide guidance through problems without dictating their emotions.

Build the trust for them to share their experiences.

Be Involved

Get to know the various adults and peers in your child’s life – family, teachers, coaches, caregivers, etc. Don’t leave your child unsupervised with unfamiliar older teens or adults until you’ve properly vetted them, even if connected to people you trust.

Your involvement reduces risk.

Safeguarding Your Organization to Protect Children

Abuse happens in predictable patterns and places. If you are running an organization that interacts with children, there are steps you can take to improve your ability to assess, prevent, and respond to potential abuse.

Assessment

Organizations should have clear policies on unacceptable behavior and periodic assessment reviews to identify areas of risk.

Risk assessments can identify high-risk areas and activities that need additional safeguards.

Prevention

Background checks, reference checks, and screening are essential before granting employees or volunteers access to children. It’s important to note that most abusers don’t have a criminal history, so just conducting a criminal background isn’t enough.

Online and in-person training for leadership, employees, and volunteers can help your organization spot the signs of abuse or child grooming.

Respond

Organizations should have mechanisms in place to make it easy to report potential abuse or grooming activities.

How you respond when you get a report can dramatically influence the effect on the victim and your organization. You need to have a formal plan in place to respond quickly to protect children and reduce your liability.

The Praesidium Safety Equation®

We have developed the Praesidium Safety Equation, a framework of eight organizational operations that can help you identify where abuse could occur within your organization. These guidelines represent research and analysis of thousands of abuse cases to develop best practices to help mitigate potential abuse.

To learn more about how to protect your organization and keep those in your care safe, contact the experts at Praesidium today.